A letter to my (younger) self

October 30, 2006 at 1:03 am | Posted in moi | Leave a comment

What to say to you – to me – all those years ago?
Is there anything I could say that would’ve been heard? Would have changed who I am? Would I even want to?

The me of years ago once wrote that everything happens for a reason. That I could never be me, without all these things happening, and how could “me” be bad?

I will call my younger self “you” because she is a different person than I am now.

You were scared all the time. Scared to let people in. Scared of being alone. Scared of being different. Scared of being nothing.

I could tell you not to be scared. Or I could tell you that you were right.

That people will judge you. That people will be cruel and harsh, that letting people in is hard and sometimes you will get hurt.

I could tell you not to be scared of being nothing or of doing nothing. I will tell you that you don’t need to overcompensate for all those fears.

I would tell you not to be a workaholic.

I would tell you that you are your own worst enemy.

I would tell you that you will hurt and you will suffer and people will leave you again and again. That you might be alone at times and that the only person you can really count on in this life is yourself.

But I think you figured that out pretty early on in life.

I would tell you that its okay to be your biggest advocate and your biggest protector at the same time.

I will tell you that your need to not be alone, to not be hurt — will backfire on itself. You will be hurt. You will be alone. People will leave you.

But that’s part of life.

You can’t be afraid of life.
You can’t be everyone’s protector.
You can’t save eeryone – and in trying to save them you’re only trying to save yourself.

It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be selfish. Its okay to trust people.
It will take you a long time to be able to do that – if ever.

What can I say to you – the me of years past – that you don’t already know?

I could tell you about all the pain and hurt you will go through. How everything you ever worried about happening – and losing – will come true. And there is no preventing it. That you must hurt. You must cry. And you must be angry.

After all, everything happens for a reason, right?

I will tell you that me of age 12, age 15, age 19, age 22, and age 27 are all the same person. That you can imagine you are different. You can work towards it and strive and fight to make yourself different.

But you won’t change. You won’t learn anything at all. You will be teh same after all.

You will still be your own worst enemy, not trust, be your biggest advocate and protector, a workaholic and alone. You will be your own worst enemy.

And I can’t tell you that you’re wrong to be that way.

Maybe the me in 10 years will be different and tell her younger self that she was wrong.

I look at you of yesterday though, and all the things I could and would tell you – I can’t. Because you were right then. You saw it years in advance.

– Artemis


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