When our pasts haunt us…

August 13, 2006 at 9:03 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It has been some time since I’ve been here. Summer has been filled with too many projects to handle, as the workaholic in me just can’t say no to anything. I miss my writing, and I know it misses me.

Last week my past came in full blast to haunt me. A ghost from my past, a person who I hadn’t seen in over 6 years, back in my life.

It’s hard to believe only a week has passed now since I saw him again.

I write here, instead of on my other, more public blog, because I can’t risk him knowing how he still affects me. How he once affected me, and obviously still does.

This person broke my heart 6 years ago. I was emotionally so over the moon for him. I would’ve picked up and talked about moving provinces to be with him, to have a chance to be with him, because I was utterly and absolutely positive that he might be the one.

He on the other hand, was too terrified, too scared to take that leap. And so instead, our communication ended, and this person who I had completely and utterly given my heart to, was out of my life.

I knew that if, in a year, he came back and wanted to try again, I would. And the wiser part of me looked at the lovesick me with pity for not being wiser, for being gullible, for believing he might ever change.

***

6 years later, he’s back in my life. Married now, but separated. A huge batch of problems. Whether or not he’s telling me the truth is another story.

But within a matter of minutes of seeing him again, all of the anger for how he treated me rushed out of my heart and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to spend an afternoon with him, to talk to him, to look at him and listen to him and laugh with him.

What I ask myself now, is this: am I feeling so mixed up and emotional because I still have feelings for him, because there is still something lingering between us? Or is it just that I’m missing the idea of what could’ve been?

Either case, I’m doing a serious case of punishing myself. I’m in danger of falling off a cliff all over again, whichever reason I’m feeling this way.

No good can come of this.

I know this.

The wise part of me is saying, block him, don’t talk to him, don’t think about him. This is a bad situation. He’s in a different province, so far from me. That allows me to put him aside, to try to forget, to put emotional as well as physical distance between us.

The other part of me is wishing he would get in touch again. Because one afternoon didn’t feel like it was enough.

Danger, Will Robinson, danger.

artemis.

Advertisements


Entries and comments feeds.