One Woman Army

First posted January 1st, 2006

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“Perfection is static, and I am a work in full motion.” – Anais Nin

It’s a New Year, a new day. Who am I? I’m still trying to figure that out.

This year was my first Christmas away from “home”. I’ve made a new home for myself over the past three years, with people to now call my family. I rarely missed the place I once called home, and yet… I can’t help but wonder how long this place, this space I’ve made for myself on the tip of the rock, will remain my home.

What forces will push me forward? Will I have the courage to make certain choices, to move in certain directions?

Leaving terrifies me. People leaving terrifies me.

One of the persons who I’ve come to call a friend, part of my new family, might leave in the next few months. Forces outside of me, outside of him, might push him away, might take him on a new path. I am a firm believer in following your heart to a place that calls it – but I can’t help but feel that my heart is slowly unravelling at the thought of yet another person in my life leaving.

In a year from now, will he still be here?

Will I still be here?

I’ve been alone for so long. I crave my space, love my loneliness. I push people away, and I’ll admit that I like it. I like the pain that it causes me. I like the solitary sadness that eats away at me. I long for more, but I can’t seem to make myself accept more.

In a year from now, will I still be alone?

“Perfection is static, and I am a work in full motion.” – Anais Nin

Happy New Year. -Artemis